You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
