Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
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He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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