i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
