After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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