I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
