If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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