Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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