dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She's the barista slut.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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