I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
