I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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