sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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