Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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