Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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