How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
