now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
