we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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