it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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