last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
how drunk are you?
Several
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
