i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just fell off a train. Bad.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
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You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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