my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
