get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
