If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
