he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
