Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Two words: blizzard sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
