My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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