There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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