Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
