I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
