I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
