were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
