So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
