A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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