woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
