Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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