Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
be right there i have to get my cape
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
