You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
