toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
