I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
