I wish life had little blips of pornography
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
