Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
