Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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