we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
only if we run a train.
done.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
