my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
