His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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