Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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