Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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