u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
