I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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