I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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