don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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