I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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