just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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