Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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