Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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