You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We need to get me chipped asap
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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