You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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