i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
