your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
