Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
