the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
