And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
